The Beginning of a Sweet Ending...

I've come back to visit my sweet little blog so many times in the last year, willing myself to take the time and write an update or two about my crazy life.  And for some odd reason, nothing comes out, despite the fact that my fingers are steadfastly poised on the keyboard, ready to explode into action.  Why is that?  Is it because I don't have the time?  Is it because I have nothing to say?  Is it because my life is dreadfully boring?

As I pondered this, I came to realize that on a deeper level, this blog was a means of emotional expression for me at a time when my life was thrown into absolute chaos.  A time when nothing was happening the way it was "supposed to".  A time when I needed to send my thoughts into the abyss, in hopes that someone, somewhere out there, could relate to what I was going through and connect with me.  This blog was the only way that I could try and express some of the sadness that seemed never-ending, and then finally, the happiness that overflowed from my heart.  It was a place where I tried to make logical many of the things that I felt did not make sense at all in my life.  A place where I could share both my sorrow and my  joy.  But now that I find myself at peace, and content, I find myself no longer seeking this place to run to...

So this post, dear friends, is the beginning of a sweet ending for me.

M is now two and half - an amazing little boy who makes my heart smile from the moment he wakes up to the minute he falls asleep.  He is incredibly verbal, and one of my favourite things is to have long conversations with him.  Just to give you an example of his insights - the other day when we were getting ready to head off to his dayhome, he very solemnly said to me, "Mama, the monkey wasn't nice to Woody" (in reference to a scene in Toy Story 3...) and I agreed.  He then sadly shook his head and said, "Mama, that is not acceptable."   This little boy will say to me, "Mama, don't sleep too close to the edge or you'll fall!" if we are cuddling in my bed together on a lazy Sunday afternoon.  He can tell me all about cranes and dump trucks and bobcats and fire engines.  He can recite favourite stories off by heart (he knows every single word of "The Very Hungry Caterpillar", and can tell the whole story to his little baby sister...).  M can count to twenty, knows all of his colours and shapes, and can spell his own name.  But beyond the "academia", my favourite thing about M is that he loves.  He loves his little sister and his mama and papa. He is free with his hugs, loves to share, and is always asking others if they are okay.  He is fun-loving but gentle, and would never hurt a fly.  My baby boy is special.

We welcomed a baby girl into our house at the end of July - and life has been a happy kind of crazy for us!  Born 3 weeks early, our sweet baby angel is just like her brother was - sweet, content, and full of smiles.  She came into this world fast and furious - 17 minutes after I arrived at the hospital!  She is a little character, and we couldn't love her more. She just got her first set of vaccinations this morning, and pulled through like a little trooper.  I had forgotten how wonderful this newborn stage was - marvelling at the tiny little fingers and toes; changing diapers a million times a day; being excited at the first smile.  The best part?  Nursing her in the middle of the night, stroking her tiny face, and knowing that in that moment it is just her and I - together.  A special time to enjoy one another without any outside interferences or distractions.  Just Mama and Baby.

So why is this the begining of a sweet ending?

Because I am going to close this chapter in my life and with it, the doors on this blog.  Our little family is now complete, and I can finally put the angst of infertility behind me, and concentrate on the sweet little endings that we were able to have.  I am going to print out this blog, bind it with ribbons, and put it somewhere special.  Though these past few years have been both trying and amazing for me, it is time to move on and concentrate on creating other kinds of memories for both me and my family.

To my dear cyberfriends who have kept up with this blog and whose stories I have also enjoyed reading - please know how much your support has meant to me.  I will continue to follow your blogs and send along my silent hugs and prayers for all of your successes.  If any of you are reading this entry, please post a comment to let me know how you are doing.  I will check back and follow up with you.

xoxo,
Springroll

Where Has My Little Baby Gone?

In just one short month (plus 3 days!), my little baby will be two years old. Two years old. Where has my little baby gone?

M is such a character now - and such a delight. Sometimes when I am having a sweet little conversation with him, or I watch him play, I get incredibly overcome by love for him. Each day he shows me something new, and each day I am in awe of how quickly he has absorbed everything around him...

My little guy can count to fifteen, and is starting to demonstrate that it's more than rote counting (he is beginning to demonstrate what is called "one-to-one correspondence" - corresponding objects to the number). For example, he can count each step as he goes up the stairs for bedtime, and he can count out a certain number of Cheerios for me. He loves to be read to, and can ask for certain books at bedtime by their title. He's even memorized the first line of one of his books, and sometimes recites it before I even start! He's goofy and silly and loves to play with his daddy and his grandparents - and has learned to clown around and make silly faces so that they laugh. He is the life of our party.

And he is about to become a big brother. Sigh. Where has my little baby gone?

And an update on our little bean....

I'm thirteen weeks pregnant as of today...and so far, the pregnancy has been smooth. We went for our First Trimester Screen on Friday (nuchal translucency ultrasound and bloodwork) and got excellent results back (negative screen for trisomy 21, 13 and 18), so chances appear slim to none that our little bean has any chromosomal issues. I was on pins and needles prior to this - our age and the cause for our infertility did not escape me, so I was worried about the results. I'm pretty sure we aren't going to take it any further (i.e. amniocentesis), but I'll have to sit down and talk with DH about it all. I have a pretty big bump - similar in size to when I was 4 months pregnant with M - so it's certainly hard to hide the pregnancy. Not that I've tried - I'm pretty overjoyed and want everyone to know it!!

We're looking forward to our next u/s, when we'll find out the sex of the baby. A little boy would bring a ton more energy into the home (more than there already is with M and his rowdy papa...could I possibly handle it?), but a little girl would bring such sweetness. Either way, we feel so blessed and couldn't ask for anything more than for it to be happy and healthy...

The First Ultrasound - 7w5d

Christmas came and went, and I must say - I am suffering a slight case of the holiday blues. I think that this is due in large part to the fact that I worked up until the 22nd and didn't really have a lot of time to prepare for Christmas! By the time work was over, the in-laws invaded, I was in a mad rush to do all of my Christmas shopping, wrapping, and cooking. Then before I knew it - it was over!

It was still magical for our little M - very different from his first Christmas, as his awareness was so much more heightened! Although I was worried, we had no problems with the Christmas tree - M admired it, pointing and saying "Cwismas tree!", but he didn't pull anything off or touch anything on or under it. He was absolutely adorable when it came to Santa Claus! Whenever anyone asked him, "What does Santa say?", M would lower his voice (to make it sound husky) and go "Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!" Pure joy. He had a ton of fun with his grandparents and cousins, and was simply spoiled. Everything that I would want Christmas to be for my baby boy.

We managed to get our first u/s squeezed in during the holidays, although not without a bit of hassle. The fertility clinic called on the 23rd to say that an error had been made in our booking, and instead of the 28th, we were scheduled for an appointment on the 5th of January. That really ticked me off - I was so anxious to see a little heartbeat and know that our little embie was snuggled in, safe and sound. So I spoke with my RE and she managed to squeeze us in at the clinic for an impromptu u/s on the 2nd.

So here are the deets - at 7w5d, our little embie was measuring ahead of schedule at 8 weeks. Its heartbeat was 170bpm, and according to our RE, everything looked "Beautiful!" I was so relieved and we feel so blessed.

I am already starting to show - quite a bit. Not sure if it's bloating from the drugs or just a total lack of tummy muscles, but this one's gonna be hard to hide. So I just decided that when I return to work next Monday and hold my first staff meeting of the year, I'm just gonna announce that there's a bun in the oven...no point in fanning the rumour fires.

Sigh. We are so very, very lucky - this thought never escapes me, not even for a minute. To go from being told that we had a less than 5% chance of conceiving our own child (even through ART) to now becoming a family of four...thanks be to God.

Holy Moly!!

Our family had a wonderful little weekend, celebrating our good news by heading out to the mountains and staying at a beautiful resort tucked in the heart of the Canadian Rockies...while we were cozy in our room, cuddling (all three of us!) under a down duvet on the king sized bed, it snowed lightly outside our window. Sigh. Simply amazing.

DH and I are still in a bit of shock over our blessed news, but mostly, we just can't stop smiling! We arrived home on Sunday morning, and I headed out to the lab in the afternoon to get my beta test done.

You will never believe the result....

My hcg beta - 16dp2dt - is 2281.

Yes - holy moly!!!

I couldn't believe my ears when the nurse from the clinic phoned this morning, and I actually had to ask her to repeat herself.

"Isn't that a bit high?!?" I asked.

"Yes." she replied, "But that's good! Congratulations!"

"Doesn't a high number like that sometimes mean multiples?" I persisted...

"Yes." she answered, "There's a possibility!"

"But I only transferred one embryo. Isn't it too early for it to split???" I could feel the blood drain from my face as I thought of this possibility.

"Um...no...but let's get you booked in for an ultrasound, shall we?" she replied cheerfully, clearly trying to distract me from my neurosis....

I am still trying to come to terms with the number, and hope that it's just a strong little embie, burying in deep and producing a lot of hcg. But my mind couldn't help but wander to the thought that a high beta number could also mean a molar pregnancy...

I pray to God that it isn't...

Walk Softly and Carry a Big Stick...

...or in my case, a pee stick....

I was going to test on the morning of my last entry (12dp2dt), but decided against it for one main reason: I was worried that if the result was negative, I would spend a bunch of time sweating out whether it was a true negative or if it was too early to test. I just didn't want to get myself worked up like that - just wasn't worth it.

So I waited another two days and tested this morning.

As I sit here at my desk and type this entry, I am also enjoying a nice, hot cup of tea. Gazing into the mug, this is what I see:

12dp2dt...not that I'm counting....

It's been a quick 12 days. I'm sure that having my little bunny to look after, plus working full time, plus the passing of my FORTIETH birthday (egads!) has helped the time pass by quickly. But no matter how busy it's been, I have still taken a quiet moment each night to say a prayer and think about how much time has passed since our brave little embie set up shop in my tummy.

Not sure what to say about symptoms, as I tend to attribute any out-of-the-ordinary feelings to my little buddies, Progesterone and Estrace. Boobies have been a tiny bit sore and feel a tiny bit fuller. Appetite like a hungry bear. Cramps and twinges here and there (especially 7dp2dt...). But it could all be an illusion - I won't know for another few days...

I'll be taking a home pregnancy test on Friday, and have a beta booked for Sunday. Nervous, scared, freaked out. These will be the last hpts that I take for the rest of my life...

DH and I booked a weekend away in the mountains at a swanky hotel...with our little bunny, of course. The way I see it, the little trip will be either celebratory in nature, or it will be a change of scenery as I mourn. But no matter - this weekend will be a time of much needed rest and relaxation.

3dpt2dt

Hello, friends -

Sorry that I haven't posted the update...not quite sure why, other than the fact that despite my very best efforts to slow down and take it easy since the transfer, I've been a little busy at home (the 2ww is sure different with a toddler!!)

My tummy is now home to one lovely little embie - a four celled beauty on Day 2, with perfectly formed cells and a tiny bit of fragmentation. The embryologists scored it 1-2 (with 1 being "perfect" and 4 being "poor"), and the RE that did the transfer commented that it was a great looking embryo. We watched the ultrasound screen very carefully in order not to miss seeing the little shining spark as it entered my womb...things went without a hitch. One post-transfer acupuncture session later and we were done.

And now the wait begins.

We are trying not to be too hopeful, but overall we are feeling positive about things. I've done a fair bit of reading on Day 2 transfers, and several studies on their efficacy with poor responders/older IVF patients (that's me!) We have yet to nickname this little gem, but I'm sure we will come up with something soon. Daddy talks to it every night and I pray every chance that I get that it is growing strong and healthy.

Poor little M is struggling - he is a Mama's Boy, through and through, so we knew that this was going to be tough on him. I am not lifting him, which he finds so terribly hard (as do I...) His constant "Mama, nuggle" ("Mama, snuggles!") and then frustrated tears when I bend down just to hug him breaks my heart. But Daddy picks him up and puts him into my lap any time he can, so that's a bit of consolation. Needless to say, it's going to be a looooong two weeks...

Thanks to those of you who have commented and sent encouraging words - they have meant more than you will ever know...

xoxo