Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

Boy...I have been missing in action, haven't I? Terrible. December has been the most hectic month ever, with various winter concerts at school, Christmas functions to attend, and Christmas shopping to pack in. Add to that the fact that we are hosting Christmas dinner for thirteen people, and that my in-laws are in town and staying with us for ten days...and I am bushed!! I feel as though I haven't had a minute to myself...but I do have some respite this morning, as my in-laws have gone shopping. So here I am.

It's hard to believe that a year ago this week we were praying for our little Nemo. We were so devastated on Boxing Day...I remember it like it was yesterday. But here we are, a year later, with our little Dim Sum kicking up a storm inside of me. Sometimes it takes patience, but we know that God answers prayers.

I was chatting with a mother of one of our students at school last week, and she gave me the sweetest suggestion, ever - she told me that when she was pregnant with her first child, she spent Christmas Eve reading "Twas the Night Before Christmas" to her unborn child. She said to me, "Next year, when the baby's here, he'll belong to everybody. But this Christmas, that baby is only yours. This is your special time with him - it'll just be the two of you, so enjoy it." This made me cry. I never thought of it that way. But she is so right. This little lovebug, snuggling inside of me- rolling, kicking, turning - it's our special time together. We are in our own little world right now, and I should cherish every minute of it. Because all too soon, it'll be over.

Sigh. What could I possibly ask for this Christmas that I don't already have? My every wish has come true. There is not one thing that I wanted more than the chance to be a mother - and here I am. In all of the Christmases that I have had, I cannot recall one more special than this one.

Merry Christmas to all of my wonderful IF friends. For those of you that have won the IF fight - I hope that enjoy every second of this special Christmas, as I will. For those of you that continue the battle - my Christmas wish for you is that you never give up hope; I know that one day, in some form, you will become the loving mothers that you were born to be.

May your holidays be filled with joy, laughter, and love.

XO,
Springroll

Running the Half Marathon...

My sister ran a half-marathon today. While that may sound like an amazing feat to you or me, for her, it's par for course. She's a runner. She's run 10Ks, half-marathons and full marathons. She's participated in triathlons and run marathons in both Canadian and American cities. Her ultimate goal is to run a qualifying time for the Boston Marathon. I have always admired her focus and dedication - even when her body feels beat up and bruised. She has been my hero.

Today, I feel as though I have run my own half-marathon. You see, we are at 20 weeks today. Half-way there. And I guess you could say that I have shown the same sense of dedication and fortitude that my sister has - because I have also stayed the course. Ten years ago, I would never have thought that I would have it in me. Turns out I was wrong.

Our little baby boy is now very active - I feel him moving around in there everyday (is it a sign? He's going to be a little monkey, isn't he?) I am incredibly eager for my husband to feel him, too. It's such an amazing sensation and I am comforted by the tiny ripples that I feel inside my abdomen each day. I'm trying to learn what things will get him going - so far, sugar seems to be a big hit. I have my first appointment on Tuesday with my obstretician - the same lady who removed my polyp a year and a half ago. Great gal. Looking forward to getting some specs on how things are going with me - although my family physician is a great lady, she hasn't really done much these past two months other than weigh me, check my urine, and check my blood pressure. I am hoping that the OB will measure my tummy, check my cervix and do all of the other things that I deem to be "reassuring". I'm looking forward to the visit.

In other news, DH managed to snap up a diaper bag that I have coveted for quite some time - what a sweetie. Funny how the dumb little things can make a difference! I had purchased another one in Vegas on the weekend, but quite frankly it was a "settle purchase" and my husband knew that it was (I couldn't find the one that I really wanted to save my life!) So the other evening, he located and purchased the one that I wanted off of good old Ebay. What a guy!! Think I'll keep him.

I want to say hi to all of my cyber-friends that have hung in there with me and continue to read...know that I think about you all and thank God that you have been there to support me.

XOXO,
SR

Boy, oh Boy!

It has been so long since I have posted, and I feel terrible for that. Some women are so good about posting their progress on a daily basis - but right now, I seem to be much more interested in reading other blogs and about others' experiences! I just can't be bothered to think about my own. However, I have decided to write more regularly, because I just know that one day I will look back on this time in my life and regret that I didn't record all of the little things that have made this pregnancy so special...

For starters, we didn't end up going to see a genetic counsellor and DH and I opted out of doing an amnio. With the result from our NT scan so positive, we just felt that we were comfortable enough. We know what the risks associated with IVF and ICSI are, as well as the risks associated with our ages at conception. With this knowledge, and with the testing results that we already had, we felt fine not tempting fate by going through with the amnio. I spoke on the telephone with one of the genetic counsellors (whose job it was to run through everything with me), thanked her for the information, and then hung up. Easy as that.

I did have a diabetes scare a few weeks back - a result of excess glucose found in my urine during the old routine dipstick tests. So my doctor sent me early for the gestational diabetes test - and let me tell you, it was the most boring 1.5 hours I have spent in my life. First of all, I had to drink that horrible orange fizzy stuff - then sit and wait and wait and wait. Keeping in mind that the day I was at the lab it seemed like everyone and their dog had the flu, and you can imagine how pleasant it was for me to be sitting in that waiting room for an hour! Everywhere I turned, people were hacking and sneezing and blowing. Ugh. Thankfully, it was all worth it as they discovered that I do not have gestational diabetes, and that the glucose spillover was nothing to be concerned about. Phew.

We had our 18 week anatomy scan today - and it was so amazing to see our little Dim Sum again. The baby was less active than the last scan, but it was wonderful to see the tiny heart beating away. There was still some wiggling around, but no fancy acrobatics as in the last appointment. The radiologist on duty said that we have a very "pretty baby" - everything was just fine and dandy. Measuring right on time, with all organs and body parts. What a blessing. And the best part?

We are elated - of course, we would have been thrilled if it turned out to be a little girl, but I really, really wanted a boy for my husband. We're not sure if this is going to be our only child, given our tremendous difficulties in conceiving. So I'm very happy that my husband will have a son to play with and teach and coach and love - and to carry on the family name.

I'm headed off to Vegas tonight with my Mum and Dad - a quick getaway to go shopping for the baby. I am so excited, because now the planning can begin in earnest. It'll be so much fun to shop for our son.

Wow. Our son. Two small but amazing little words.

I Still Believe...

It's been a wonderfully uneventful couple of weeks, but sadly, this causes me to have nothing to blog about. Today, I am 15 weeks, 2 days pregnant and I am just beginning to feel our little Dim Sum's kicks in my belly....like the fluttering of butterfly wings, they come every so often to remind me of how blessed I am. This past weekend, we celebrated Thanksgiving with my family at my sister's house, and as my brother-in-law said grace, my eyes teared up as I thanked God (again) for this amazing gift that He has given us. I still - and always will - believe in miracles.

My new online obsession (now that I am no longer perseverating over infertility) has become stroller and car seat safety. Which model? What is safest? Which is lightest? Which one has the bells and whistles? Travel system or not? Where do I find the best deal? It's all incredibly overwhelming. Thankfully, I have a great deal of baby items from my sister, so I don't have to go through this with each item that we need (I think I'd go crazy if I did!) I think that I have narrowed it down to the Chicco Cortina Travel System -



Apparently, Consumer Reports ranked the car seat #1 for safety in 2008, and the stroller itself is a touch more lightweight than its competitors (an important point, since I am small and unbelievably wimpy). The seat back lowers all the way down to sleep position on this little number, and has a "memory" capability so that it can recall the last position you set the seat at. The car seat comes with a cushy head-support for newborns, and the base is supposed to be very easy to install. There are cup holders for both child and parent, and even a snack tray for the baby that is removable and dishwasher safe!! Man - it seems like the caddy of travel systems! I am pretty excited about it.

My sister tells me to avoid travel systems at all costs and to invest in a separate car seat and car seat frame, but I'm not too impressed with how low the car seat sits in a frame, and besides - I'd have to have a stroller eventually anyway! My husband laughs at this latest obsession. This past weekend, I was in a frenzy about the stroller, as it was on sale at Sears ("Baby Days") and when I called around, I discovered that most stores in our city had run out of stock. This drove me crazy, and when DH came home from the gym, I told him that he had to get showered right away because we had to go to Sears because we had to get the stroller before they ran out!! He shook his head and chuckled, "We have 5 more months! You don't think they'll get more stock in 5 months?!? You don't think they'll be another sale in the next 5 months?! Baby - you need to relax!!" Um...okay. Point taken.

If any of my cyber-friends can give me advice on strollers, I'd love to hear from ya! What worked for you? What didn't? If you had to buy a new one today, what would be different? Stroller-obsessed mommy-to-be would love to know!!

XOXO,
SR

Scan-tastic!

When Monday afternoon finally rolled around, I was so nervous I thought I would burst. Half a litre of water in my system? Check. Requisition forms? Check. Directions to the Maternal/Fetal Health Centre? Check. Husband on the way? Check. I was ready to go.

We sat waiting for the loooongest time in the waiting area, and as I looked around at all of the other couples, my nervousness grew. We were first called in to speak with a nurse, who asked us questions about our IVF - apparently, they do factor that in when they calculate a woman's risk of having a child with chromosomal abnormalities. Of course, one of the reasons I was so nervous was due to the reason for our infertility - my bad eggs. Which, of course, can lead to chromosomal issues!! But in any case, following the mini-interview, we were sent back out to the waiting area once more, and waited another 20 minutes or so before they called me in to get my blood drawn. Shortly thereafter, DH and I got to go into the ultrasound room.

Wendy, our ultrasound tech, was chipper, which actually put me more at ease. But as I lay there with tummy exposed and gel slicked on, I held my breath as I concentrated on the screen. What would the scan show?

It showed a squirmy, active baby! I started to cry. All of this worrying about my baby, and here he/she was - rolling around, kicking and punching. Wendy kept calling the baby a "little turkey" and she giggled a few times as our baby continued his/her shenanigans. But her feedback was so positive - heartbeat of 153 bpm, measuring right on time. She said she could already see all four chambers of the heart, which was "...amazing..." (her word) at this stage. The stomach looked clean, the skull appeared normal and you could see its arms and legs. The best part was watching this baby move...and finally believing that maybe, just maybe, we were going to get our happy ending!

Our nuchal results were terrific - came back with a negative screen, and my risk is apparently lower than for a 20 year old woman!

I followed up with an appointment to see my GP today, who was obligated to remind us that we could have an amniocentisis, if we wanted to. She has also recommended that we go to see a genetic counsellor to discuss our risks, considering we had ICSI performed during the IVF (ICSI patients have a 1-2% increased risk of chromosomal disorders over natural conceptions). I am more than happy to sit down and learn all of the facts and risks - but I doubt we will proceed with the amnio. DH and I talked about it already - but I guess it doesn't hurt to discuss it again.

The best part about my appointment today was that my GP whipped out a doppler - and I got to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. Oh - music to my ears. The gentle but rapid swish, swish, swish was just amazing...I am so happy that I don't think words can describe it!

Upward and onward - will post again to let you know what the genetic counsellor has to say!

XO,
Springroll

Happy Thirteen Weeks!

Well, here we are at thirteen weeks!

DH and I will be going for our nuchal translucency scan tomorrow afternoon and I am very nervous about it. In addition to not knowing what to expect, I have been haunted by stories of "missed miscarriages" - women who have miscarried, but due to a complete lack of any symptoms (and as a matter of fact, they go through the opposite, where they continue to experience pregnancy symptoms!) they are not aware that their fetuses are no longer viable. I just hope and pray that we get good news tomorrow...to start off with, I just want to know that our little Dim Sum is still growing, with a strong, healthy heartbeat. As well, we will be getting bloodwork done and an ultrasound to determine what the likelihood is that this child has Down's Syndrome or chromosomal abnormalities. I have been praying every night that God is keeping this child safe and healthy.

I finally made the announcement last week that I am expecting - and I was really, really quite pleased with the response. I told my teachers at our weekly faculty meeting, to which there was immediate applause and cheers - and then a line up at the end of the meeting to give me hugs. I also let the cat out of the bag with some of our parent population, and they have been very kind as well. For those who know me well, they will know that I am not a fan of being in any kind of spotlight, and as a matter of fact get a little uncomfortable with how to respond in those situations. So this will take some getting used to. But I am happy that so many people are happy for us - it would appear that our struggle to conceive hasn't been the big secret that I thought it was! A few people commented that they were thrilled for me because they know how much I wanted it and how long it took. Infertility isn't as silent as we think, I guess.

Now, for the more unpleasant comments that I have already heard...and you knew there would be some!

One mother commented (after looking at my tummy), "Are you sure you're not having twins?" (Nice.)

Another said, "Well, it's not like you could hide it anymore!" (Really? I tried so hard!!!)

And finally, a comment from one of my teachers - "We all KNEW you were pregnant, you know. We were just waiting for you to say something!!!" (Wow, talk about taking the wind out of my sails!)

I will post an update from our nuchal after tomorrow's appointment - please say a prayer for us!

Eleven Weeks Today!

I was undecided as to whether or not I should continue this blog, since its main focus was on our struggle with infertility. Speaking from personal experience, I know that it really helped to read the IF blogs of other women and know that I wasn't alone. I learned so much, shed so many tears, and smiled so many times just reading about what these brave women had gone through. I can only hope that my blog has touched others who are struggling as much. But would it be insensitive to now carry on, blogging about my pregnancy? I'm torn - the jury's out on that one. All I know is that without this blog as a medium for all of my thoughts, and without the support of the people who have read it, the battle would have been much, much more difficult.

I can't believe that I am only a week away from being done with the first trimester of pregnancy! It has been such an amazing time so far - but only because I have been blessed not to have any morning sickness at all. I almost feel guilty saying that out loud. At first, I was desperate to have it - in my heart, I thought that that was the only way I could know for sure that this pregnancy was going to be a healthy one. But as time passed, I got used to not feeling sick - and instead, took it as a sign that my energies were better spent enjoying the pregnancy everyday, not worrying about my lack of symptoms.

It was my intention, earlier on, to write about what I feel made the difference this past cycle...what was it that got us to this place? So many things played a positive factor - and I wanted to share some of them in hopes that it may help others. So...here it goes...apologies in advance for the long post...

The Fertility Clinic - DH and I had the good fortune of working with one of the top fertility clinics in the country. According to the 2007 Canadian ART registry, Regional Fertility Program in Calgary boasted a 51% success rate, as compared to an average of 35% success rate from all other Canadian IVF centres. The best part of it was that we got to work with Foothills by default - they are the only clinic in Calgary, and as such the first clinic that we got referred to by my family physician. Call it geographical luck.
Now, don't get me wrong - this clinic wasn't perfect and we definitely had our trials and tribulations with them. From unanswered telephones to rude nurses to missed ovulations to missing files to a skeptical RE, the clinic tested our patience many, many times. But at the end of the day - they got us pregnant. And for that, we shall be forever grateful.

Modern Medical Advances - the process of IVF aside (which, as far as I am concerned, is one of the most important, incredible medical advances of the 20th century), we also benefitted from ICSI and assisted hatching. With DH's inconsistent morphology and my age and egg quality working against us, we had the opportunity to increase our chances through the use of these two techniques. Though each came with their risks, at least we were able to do them! I truly think that I may not have gotten pregnant without them.

The Protocol - part of this is tied into our Clinic and our RE. We are so grateful that they were willing to try a completely "unconventional" (word used by our RE), relatively new, off-the-beaten-path protocol with me. The Agonist/Antagonist Conversion Protocol with Estrogen Priming, created by Dr. Geoffrey Sher, was a Godsend for us. It allowed us to have 5 perfectly healthy eggs to fertilize, and even though not all of them fertilized successfully, to a woman who was told that her eggs were crap, that number was music to the ears. It was an intense protocol, with an insanely high amount of drugs, but in the end it did the trick. I am so glad that my RE looked into this protocol at my urging, and I hope that my success buoys the clinic to try it with others.

My Insatiable Need to Research - okay, this one seems a little silly to mention. But seriously, I really do think that my thirst for knowledge in my own situation helped out tremendously. It was exhausting, disheartening, frustrating, and encouraging to read all of the research papers, case studies, forum posts and websites that contained information on poor egg quality. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is for any woman going through infertility to research, research, research. Knowledge is Power.

Alternative Treatments - We spent over a thousand dollars on traditional Chinese medicinal treatments, as well as acupuncture. But DH and I figured - heck, we had already spent over $15,000.00 on our IUIs and IVF cycles, what was another grand? And even though DH was skeptical, I always believed that they would be of help, and now DH is a believer, too. I worked with a very good acupuncturist and Doctor of Chinese Medicine in the months leading up to my cycle, but then decided to switch to another professional whose specialty was in treating infertility and who was reknowned for her work here in Calgary. She was amazing. Gentle, supportive and encouraging. She came to the clinic on transfer day to give me treatments pre- and post-transfer. Her positive energy was infectious. Her skill and knowledge were beyond compare. I really, really do feel that acupuncture as an adjunct to IVF is something that all women struggling with IVF should consider.
For what it's worth, I should also mention that I believe taking Royal Jelly supplements and Coenzyme Q10 helped. For those who have followed my blog, they will know I took both to improve my egg quality. I had DH taking CoEQ10 as well, to improve his sperm motility - resulting in a gigantic improvement in his sperm morphology, according to the lab results of his last sperm analysis prior to our last cycle!! He was pleased as punch!!

Hope and a Positive Attitude - where would we be without them? Even at the darkest times, I don't think that I ever lost hope that one day, this would work out for us. I prayed every night that God would allow me to be a mother - and even though I didn't know exactly what form that would take, I never lost hope that He would answer my prayers.
And speaking of prayers...

Belief in God and the Power of Prayer - our little Dim Sum is proof that God listens and God loves. I was fortunate enough to have an incredibly strong prayer network going for us - from one of the nurses at the Clinic to our parents, to our friends. Even one of the moms at school, who is struggling with a health concern of her own right now, told me last week that she was praying for me all summer! We are lucky to have so many people love us - and to have God's love with us every day.

Luck - okay, I was saying to DH the other day that when it comes down to it, luck played a huge role in our pregnancy. Sometimes, people can do the very best that they can and have the very best of intentions, and yet things don't work out for them. DH and I know how lucky we are - and we aren't taking a single moment for granted.

Phew. I think that's it. Time to step off the soapbox. But I do hope that it helps someone who may stumble upon my humble little blog, seeking answers. Know that I wish every woman out there, struggling the way that I did, the very, very best.

XO,
Springroll